Return form Hiatus

Where do I begin? Should I even begin? There is too much to write about. I will start with school. I had an interview about two weeks ago. I think it went very well. I think it was my best interview yet and this was not even for a job it was to be allowed into a very difficult program in school, but I am competing with about 200 hundred other students. It was 3 step application. Take prerequisites, apply, take an exam and pass, get interviewed. I made it all the way up to the interview. Another student who interviewed half an hour before me told me before she went in this was her third time at an interview and the second school she has applied at. Each year about 20 are selected. Nervous does not even begin to describe how I feel.

Kids, work, school, work, kids, longtime boyfriend…its all part of my day to take. I manage it. Sometimes well. Sometime I wonder why I keep going. I look at my kids, yes the same kids who make me want to quit and I don’t want to quit. Crazy I know. This program, if I get in or should I say when I get in, could change everything for me, but that’s only at the very end. I tell everyone, its my ticket out. Its my ticket out of this financially hard life, of a job that doesn’t have room for growth, of a situation where I feel like I could do more for people, help them more, help them solve a difficult problem to a better life.

Its my ticket out. I know it is. I can taste it. Its going to be rough, maybe harder than it is now, but in the end it will be worth it.


I’m going to keep this one short…mostly because I am tired and lazy and I want to catch up on the episode of the shows I watch that I don’t get to watch at their usual times because my schedule is work and kids and work and kids. It is also late in the evening and I have had a long honest day. I told my best friend who my boyfriend is. It turns out she knew already and was secretly asking the two of  us questions only the two of us would know about each other. Hahaha she’s good. I suspected she knew. I explained to her that he and I needed to see where the relationship was going first (would it last, would we break next month, is this just a romantic fling) before we told people. She understood and I felt relieved not to keep it a secret anymore.

Secrets, not all, can feel like lies and I am a terrible liar. I toss and turn at night. It shows on my face. It eats me alive. This is why I find it odd that my ex who grew up with me for 15 years thinks I did the things he accused me of, but that is another story and one in the past. Lets move on.

Today was a day of progress in my friendship, in my relationship and it felt really good. I need more of these good things. Last month was a tough month because of what the doctor told me. This month I’m dealing with things and learning to handle them better, not stress about them, enjoy what I have, take things one day at a time. I love my life. I love my kids to no end and I have people in my life, friends and family that support me. On top of it all I have a man in my life that will grab my feet, place them on his lap late in the evening after a hard day of work for him and massage my feet without me even hint that I want a massage. I don’t know if this will last, but I am so grateful for what I have now.

Loved and Lost

daisyToday is the birthday of a man I fell in love with many many years ago except I didn’t know I loved him until it was too late. Technically we are still friends with our once or twice a year email and there is a sweetness to those yearly I hope everything is going well with you I’m doing… email check ups, but that is all. The guy I am with now, my boyfriend, reminds me a  bit of my lost love: his compassion, his patients, his kindness and belief in me, his corny sense of humor, the terrible looking goatee…

To be honest when my boyfriend grew his goatee it freaked me out a bit as if the universe was trying to tell me something. Then as I began to see other guys with goatees, I realized that goatees are back in style and it had nothing to do with my past at all. Still I hope goatees go away soon. I love hair on a man, but it has to be even on the face full grown or shaven, I don’t care which, but even.

My dad grew a super thin mustache a few months last year and it annoyed the ___ out of me. Some men can pull of mustaches and goatees or shaven heads and so on. But who am I to judge…it’s their faces. They can do what they wish. I have to admit if I were male and had hair to style on my face I’d try different looks too.

What’s my point to all this….Oh yes, that coincidence are scary. No, they aren’t, but they do trigger reminders of what has been and what could be.

My lost love, despite his goatee, was someone I should have given a chance, but my fear of another broken heart got in the way and I missed out on a relationship that could have been a great one. Still, the paths we take make us who we are and so no regrets. Had I taken that path I would not have the children I have today or lived what I lived to make me who I am today.

Still I missed out on someone wonderful because of my fear. I cannot do that again. My new love, despite his goatee (lol), is a good man and he deserves a chance. Step by step I am working towards that and giving him the chance he deserves, but the steps are not easy ones as my most recent ex love tore my heart in ways I didn’t think possible and left me in a state of disbelief and confusion. I repeat to myself Tennyson’s “Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”.  In returns for these steps, these one day at a time moments I believe he and I are helping each other heal, that maybe our friendship/relationship serves a greater purpose in the end. Strength, truth, love, happiness…these all come to mind. That’s how relationships should be, to serve a higher purpose, to bring the best out of each other and when that stops happening then it is time to move on, but until then soak up every moment of it.

So, this for you my lost love. I’m sorry I didn’t give you a chance. You deserved one, but the path you took was good for you and the path I took was right for me and so we are who we are  today because of it and the bit we did have though not much was good and it will always be with me. Happy Birthday! May your life be filled with happiness and growth.

Self Discovery

IMG_0144Knowing what I like and what I want is so much different these days then they use to be. I know absolutely that I love to run. It clears my mind like nothing else and when I can’t run, when I’m out of time, can’t fit it into my schedule, am sick or have an injury, I am miserable without it. I know I love my kids unconditionally. That when I have them I am most happy and when they are with their father, even though it means I finally get a break from caring for them 24/7, I miss them terribly.

I miss them terribly when they are gone even though I know when they come back they may come back fighting with each other or give me that back talk preteens and teenagers love to spew. They are at that age when they question every one of my rules too and it drives me up the wall, but still I miss them terribly when they are not with me. When my boyfriend (yes it is determined we are finally saying boyfriend) is over at my place and we are in a tickle war or watching a movie or we’re hanging out somewhere having fun my mind wonders and I wander how my children are doing.

I don’t regret my divorce at all. I truly believe it was the best for my family, that in the end it was the best for my children and for myself to get out of a sinking ship with more holes in it then wood and water too covered in oil to swim through and breathe, but I feel like I keep having to put my kids in a different lifeboat with a stranger every other wave, even though my lifeboat is just fine. Why? Because the captain says its best and because the kids love their dad. What does the captain know and why is the dad so stupid and selfish?

I know I miss my kids. I miss my dog too. I still look for him outside staring back at me in the mornings. I have a new dog now, rather a puppy. She’s my friends puppy and they no longer had room for her. She heard my dog died and she offered. I was hesitant at first, let her know I couldn’t afford it. She offered to buy the food, get the things the puppy needed, etc. I remembered seeing the puppy 6 months ago in the office feeling sorry for her and… well I have a puppy now.

She is a beautiful puppy with a kind heart. I think she is my second chance to learn more about compassion and kindness and patience. My boyfriend who is great with animals/especially dogs is helping me train her. Watching/listening to him speak puppy is one of the most adorable things I have ever seen a grown man too. A tough looking guy like him speaking puppy…wonderful. He has compassion I have been longing for in a man for years. My kids love the the puppy too,  my youngest still cries over our lost dog and it breaks my heart. but I think the puppy has made it a little easier for him.

I know I want to try new things too and so I am. These past 3 months–these past two years I have opened up my mind to things I never thought I would do, new career, new taboos, new boundaries… I know I don’t want to be walked all over and taken advantage of anymore and so I am learning to say no. No! I didn’t know I had a problem saying no. I always considered myself a strong woman who knew what she wanted, but apparently I was wrong. Today I said no to someone who use to be able to just look in my eyes with his and say please or I’m sorry or not even say a word and I would forgive  him or… Today I said no and I didn’t just say it I meant it and I followed through.

I know I want to follow through with everything in my life. No more half @$$ projects or beliefs or decisions or living. I’m working on following through, say what I mean and mean what I say. I know I want a man to love me and I have that, but I want to make sure I don’t loose myself in the process of loving him back because I know with all my heart I want to love me too.

Into Your Arms

This upcoming weekend will be the beginning of March, but I’m still trying to catch up to all that  has happened in the past two months. Working 6 sometimes 7 days a week and I don’t have time to relax even on the days I’m suppose to relax. Odd thing is, I’m enjoying it and my kids don’t seem to complain knowing that I work my schedule around them or with them for them. They agree we fight less and since enrolling them in a new sport they seem more focused, happier…It is what they needed.

And me? It turns out they’ve been worried about my happiness. They don’t seem to believe my words that I’m really okay.  I tell them I go out when I can with friends or family. But saying it isn’t enough for them anymore. I guess all they see of me is work, kids, work, kids…They want to see for themselves that I’m okay.  I have sweet kids. I get their concern for their mom’s happiness. We talked. I told them my concerns about bringing new people into their lives, into their hearts. They understood, but then made valid points. Kids are so much smarter than we give them credit for. I listened. Showing them my happiness, is something I’ve been thinking about for a while now anyways and now that I know they want to see it too…

As for my friend/guy I like-love/best friend/boyfriend/I still don’t know what to call him… we took a look at our schedules earlier this year and were saddened by how much less time we would have to see each other this year because of our new hours, at least for the first six months. Odd enough we have found ways around it all to find time. Last month (or was it early this month) we made plans for lunch. He met me close to work after his dentist appointment and we lunched. Not use to spending time with each other during the week it was a bit awkward at first and we laughed about it. Then on Valentines day he surprised me with chocolates. It wasn’t a long visit, but it was much welcome and he oh so surprised by my gift to him. LOL. All we need to do now is figure out how to work more sleep in. Funny thing one weekend together we decided to just sleep together. Seriously, we decided to sleep and we felt great when we woke up. Waking up in a man’s warm arms and chest as he runs his finger through your hair, its a great feeling.  Sure we did more than sleep. Earlier in the day we shot arrows-archery, went to see a movie, etc. This was very enjoyable too, but there was something comforting about knowing that just sleeping in each other’s arms can be enough too.

One day at a time….

Better To Him

A few days ago my dog died. I didn’t think I’d cry as much as I did, as much as I have since or that I would miss him as much as I do. In the mornings I have to remind myself that I no longer need to feed him. These past few cold nights or rainy days I no longer need to bring him in or let him out to do his business. In the morning he no longer watches me through the window while I’m in the kitchen. When it rains he no longer licks the rain off the window. His toy ball just sits out in the yard and telling my kids was tough… we miss our dog.

I hate the way he died, but I’m glad he had me there next to him when he did and that his suffering wasn’t long. I regret not being better to him, not walking him more, not playing with him more, not petting him more… When he died, when the vet put the shot in and his breath stopped I shook him just barely to try to wake him back up and I looked at his face only to see in his eyes he was gone. Trying to hold back the tears, I said to the vet, “that was fast”. I think even when you know you are about to loose someone you love, there really no way to prepare for it until they are finally gone and even then you can’t. I miss my dog. I wish I would have been better to him.

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Take a Walk Now!

I ran today. I meant to take a short walk to ease my mind, but I took a good run instead and then added a long walk to the end. I had a lot on my mind lately that has driven me to take the fetal position over the past few weeks. I’m in love with a man I am not ready to love and in that scare I said things to him that I regret …and he forgave me. We’ve reached that point that all couples reach, the major disagreement, and we had our words and then in the midst of the anger, the tears, the apologies, the I love yous, the i miss yous, the we’ll find a way to work this out, but what if we dont…some thing lovely happened. He did something few guys have ever done for me, he was sincere and honest with me. He told me straight up how overbearing I can be and that I’m not giving him enough credit about understanding how I feel. He didn’t sugar coat it or pretend I’ve done nothing wrong. He didn’t try to spare my feelings or lie just to get out of the conversation. He said what he had to say and he let me say what i had to say, to vent. It was awkward at first, we weren’t sure how stable our ground was and so he gave me space. A few days and several phone calls, IMs, texts and video chats later we’ve come to the conclusion that we can find a middle ground. Best of all he is confident we can find a way to work it out. He told me not to worry,  we would find a way.

Though our issue isn’t  solved, we have worked every angle to find a compromise and have both admitted we really want this to work, to find a middle ground. And in the discussion we seemed to have ironically bonded more. Is this possible? Usually fights push people farther away….

The whole idea of even being in a relationship again terrifies me as well as excites me. Sometimes I want to say screw it. It is so much easier being single and then I think is it? I have become so much happier since he and I decided to give this relationship a try. Yet still… I feel this is happening too quickly. Is it too quick to be in love again. Can love happen this quickly? It has been over a year since the ex moved out, more than that since he cheated, and just very few since I started dating again, even less since I started dating my current boyfriend. I find myself laughing and crying over how I feel about him, because at times I can’t shake what the ex did to me. I worry history will repeat itself. I worry if I was such a poor judge of character to marry my ex… how do I know I wont make the same mistake twice or thrice. Is my boyfriend a rebound? Am I my boyfriends rebound? Or am I just scared that I will turn back to the old me if I get back in a relationship. I hated the old me.

The ex keeps making it worse. Every time he comes back to town from his job I just keep wishing the earth would devour him. I would never have to see or hear from him again. Then I think about my children and how much they would miss him. Then I think about what a crappy dad he is, concerned more about his social life than his kids, seeing the kids only when it is convenient to him, but it is up to the kids to see this for themselves though. In the mean time I hate him and when I hear my old self arguing with him about what an ahole he is and he responds like the ahole he is I want to rip his head off, make him eat his package and then shove it all up the ahole that he is. Instead, the new me says take a walk. Take a walk NOW!

Today was one of those days I told myself, Take a Walk Now! So I walked. I took a walk that turned into an exhausting run my body wasn’t ready for, but my mind kept saying go go go go and that’s exactly what my legs did. When my lungs and my sides and my legs couldn’t take it anymore I walked more from the trail I was at to the one in the next neighborhood. Before I knew it, 5 miles later, I was crying and laughing and my legs were weak. I was ready to lie down and go to sleep, expect I had to come back to tend to my kids that would soon be home. I love my kids. Loving them isn’t complicated at all, its unconditional. They are the only relationships I get in my life. I told my girls once after the divorce not to give up on love, that it does exist. I believe what I said too… I just need to find the right person this time, someone who respects, values and accepts me for who I am and someone who I can love, respect, value and accept for who he is.

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Get A Room!!!

We are at the place in our relationship when we say mushy things. The irony is that neither of us are mushy people. Still these mushy things spew from our lips as we find ourselves enjoying each other’s company. Even our fingers can’t control themselves or refrain from mushy texting. I texted something stupidly mushy in response to his text mentioning how big he was smiling to something I previously texted. I admitted I was smiling too and that we should bring our smiles together and kiss. OMG!!!! Get a room right! Where is this weird stuff coming from. He texted back a lol and a “that was cute”.  NOOOOO! Not cute! Mushy…it is so weird.

I feel like I’m turning back into a teenage girl and this cute boy really likes me and I can’t stop thinking about him and I let him know and then he tells me he can’t stop thinking about me too and we’re both smiling from ear to ear as we tickle and kiss. Is this what it’s like to be happy? Do people turn into dorks? Are we now bigger dorks than we were before? I’m at a point now that a part of me is ready to introduce him to the kids, but the other part of me knows this isn’t the right time yet…

It’s been so long since I remember feeling this giddy and mushy  and since the person I’m with cared daily about how I’m doing and just wants to come over and hang out with me. It’s been so long since I sat around with the person I’m with and just talked for hours about EVERYTHING and its not just a one sided tell all either. It has been so long since so many things for me. It takes some getting use to this feeling and a part of me wonders if I’ve ever felt like this way before and if I did why did I forget?

It troubles me that I can’t remember…I felt  giddiness with my ex in the beginning and I do believe I loved him with my all, but I also feel like a part of him and I never connected as two people in love should. Trust was absent on both our parts. He lied about nearly everything and I never believed his lies or truths because of it.

Now…in my current relationship I fear how much trust I have in him, how I so easily tell him everything or do anything. I feel free in ways that are alien to me with him, especially now that words of love have been spoken bilingually. I wonder how long the giddiness will last, how long before we start to want space from each other, instead of this constant need to be near one another. Is this fear speaking?

We text or FB each other every day we dont see each other throughout the day just to say hello, or good morning or good night. I love opening my FB to find a “Good morning Beautiful!” in my inbox or enjoying lunch with a “Its lunch time!” text or better still turning in for the night with a “have sweet dreams and sleep well beautiful”…best yet an out of the blue “I miss you. I look forward to seeing you soon.”  In person there is just so much laughter between us and in bed a deep connection I’ve not ever felt before. A man that knows how to make a woman feel this good…well… I’m blushing just thinking about it.

Sure we’ve had our arguments, our disagreements, our need for time to think about whatever just happened and I know for reasons I can’t explain right now that this may very likely not last forever, but knowing him has changed my life for the better and whether this relationships  last or not I decided long time ago, when I first knew what I can’t currently mention could happen, that knowing him is worth any heart break that may come to light. Knowing him has helped me find my Self, that Self I lost many years ago. I just hope this time I can keep my Self in sight…

In the spirit of mushy and giddy these are the videos I’ve chosen to share   and 

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He is Feeling More Than Like For Me

healing can become a dangerous

obsession when the band-aid

is laced with your euphoric kisses

and the disinfecting ointment

spread with your medicinal embraces

G.C. 10/12/2012

The mood of our relationship has changed in a way I expected eventually,  some time in the far future, but instead surfaced itself in the present time as something of a feeling as more than “like” for each other. We confessed it without actually ever saying the words, the both of us terrified not of what is, but of what has been in our past repeating itself in the future between us.

After a beautiful weekend of late night dining, a starry night at a drive in theater, ice-skating and the most wonderful, amazing, fantastic intimacy with a man I have ever had in a little black dress, we were both delighted and terrified that we found out we felt the same towards each other and yet too cowardly to actually say it out loud to each other, since the moment either one of us realized we started feeling this way.

He was first to admit and repeat and stress that he has felt a lot more than “like” for me. Packed and ready to go back to his place he smiled looked deep in thought and told me he had to tell me something but wasn’t ready to tell me yet. I fussed at him that my best friend died before telling me what he said he needed to tell me many years ago and that now I still wonder what he wanted to say. I asked him why he needs to tease me and can’t just tell me now or why even mention it at all.

He decides to tell me. His face gets serious and as I look at him I recognize the face of a love confession…I’d seen that face many years ago in the man I let get a way. The man standing before me now begins to say he has felt more than like for me. I know what’s coming. I look at him and bury my face into his chest. He tells me he has felt this way for a while. I stupidly ask him to explain. He lifts my chin and then cowardly with a nervous finger points to the word love on a picture frame I have on my wall right above us. He didn’t say it say it, but I knew what he meant before he even pointed. I’ve caught him slipping in the word love and then stopping himself over the past few weeks. He loves spending time with me. He loves when I smile. He loves my squeal noises…He loves when I do this or that… love constantly leaving his mouth and yet careful not to be too direct about it.

And as he points to the love frame I freeze. His bag and computer all packed and ready to go and still on his shoulder ready to finally go home, seriously this time, 4 hours after he had said he would really leave the second time and about seven hours after he said he really needed to leave the first time. I just froze and shut down.

He panics and worries he told me too soon. He, walks over to the stairs, takes his bag off his shoulder, his face red and sits down. I kneel in between his legs on the lower step and bury my face in his chest again still in my shell as he begins to talk and ask me if I need space, if I need him to leave me alone for a while, should he not have told me, am I okay. He wants me to say something.

I don’t want to say anything. I dont want him to know. I’m not ready to let him know how many times I’ve held back from telling him how I feel while we are in bed giggling or on the sofa watching a movie or in bed intimate and looking at each other, or out in public smiling and holding hands… I dont want to tell him about the love poems I’ve written or how he is on my mind everyday. I dont want him to know that his name is always on the tip of my tongue or how… And as I am frozen, face still in his chest, tears running down my cheeks,  he is going on in panic about giving me space and at the same time confessing that I am always on his mind.

Suddenly I can’t hold it in anymore. Slowly I begin to tell him how many times I have kept him from knowing how I felt and I describe examples of times I had to bite my tongue and concentrate not telling him what naturally wanted to come out of my mouth because I didn’t want him to know. I feel his body relax a bit and he begins to wrap his arms around me, my face still buried in his chest and I begin to let him hear me cry.

There I sorta said it and he sorta said it and we both admitted we were cowards for not saying it saying it, but we both knew what we meant and now what? Now what? Now what!

That’s when I began to tell him again I wasn’t ready and I turned from him in frustration and I told him he would get tired of me, that they all have. I warned him of my flaws, my craziness, my nagging, my jealousies, my deep need to feel wanted, my need to cling. But it didn’t matter he already knew of this before because he has already seen it in me or because I had already warned him. In turn he worried that he didn’t deserve my kindness, that the mistakes in his past make him not worthy, that the path in his life now is not where he wants to be or expected to be and… I tell him what a wonderful kind selfless person he is and he tells me that he likes his women a little crazy. LOL

We spent another hour or so on the stairs relieved and terrified to know how we felt for each other, confessing how much we really thought about each other throughout the day and how good we felt when near each other and what would come of all that we now know and from time to time I would ball back up into my shell, but in the end we both realized we couldn’t undo how we felt, how we feel.

Now what? One day at a time… 

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Beautiful Beasties: A Creative Guide to Modern Pet Photography- Book Review and Giveaway

I have a dog at home that won’t sit still. Taking a picture of him often ends up as a colorful blur picture. How does an amateur photographer such as myself learn to teach my dog to sit still long enough for a decent photo? I turn to a book called Beautiful Beasties: A Creative Guide to Modern Pet Photography for some help.

A quick skim/flip of the pages through the 340 page Beautiful Beasties: A Creative Guide to Modern Pet Photography and my eyes are drawn to an array of fun, interesting, sweet and colorful pictures of pets at their finest. My favorite picture from the entire book is the exhausted looking dog on page 179. I just love how natural the picture looks. It makes me smile every time I look at it.

A deeper read into the book and I learn a bit of history about pet photography, camera technology, camera how-to basics, animal behavior, and then a lot of advanced information about lighting settings, camera speed and so on. This information was helpful at times and at others it was overwhelming for an amateur photographer as myself to take it all in. However, a photographer passionate about learning more on pet photography would really benefit from the vast amount of detail in this book and from the looks of it, could make a decent income as a pet photographer.

The holidays are right around the corner. This book could be the gift your animal loving photographer needs if he wants to learn more about capturing great shots of animals. Maybe you can win him one in the giveaway below.

The giveaway: One lucky reader will win one copy of Beautiful Beasties to a reader. To enter answer one of these questions: What is your biggest challenge when photographing your pets? Or what would you most like to learn from this book? The giveaway is limited to US and Canada only. The giveaway will end on Nov 20th. Please leave a valid email address if it is not visible in your profile. Winners will be chosen using

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